Golden Humor Collection
by Pitty English Skills
Summary: okay like yal told me to , i made it all one big story, the newest one is Frozen Bagels, it involves a pool, hockey and frozen bagels.
1. Frozen Bagels

[One day, Dart comes to visit Lavitz and the two are looking for something to eat in Lavitz's refrigerator. They open the freezer and come across 3 packages of frozen bagels.]  
  
Dart: " Damn Lavitz, how long have those been in there?"  
  
Lavitz: " I don't know."  
  
Dart: " Ya think they're edible?"  
  
Lavitz: " Maybe."  
  
[Lavitz's attempts to pull out a package of the bagels and utterly fails. Dart helps Lavitz by holding him around the waist and pulling him as Lavitz pulls on the bagels.]  
  
Lavitz: " On 3. 1...2...3! PULL!"  
  
[Dart pulls backward on Lavitz and Lavitz pulls on the bagels in the freezer. The bagels detach from the icy freezer and in the process of pulling Lavitzs hands snap back with the bagels in his grasp, causing Lavitz to hit himself in the head and the back of his head to hit Dart in the head.]  
  
Lavitz & Dart: " Ow!"  
  
[There is a knock on the front door and Lavitz sets the bagels on the counter and goes to open the door.]  
  
Lavitz: " Hey Lloyd, hey Albert."  
  
Albert: " Hey Lavitz, what's up?"  
  
Lavitz: " Me and Dart are trying to find something to eat, wanna help?"  
  
Lloyd: " Yeah!"  
  
[Lavitz brings Lloyd and Albert into the deathtrap called Lavitzs kitchen where Dart is still feeling the effect of colliding with Lavitzs hard head.]  
  
Lavitz: " Hey man, you alright?"  
  
Dart: " Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
Lloyd: " What the hell is that?"  
  
Lavitz: " Bagels."  
  
Albert: " Them don't look like bagels."  
  
Lavitz: " They are."  
  
Lloyd: " Where they been?"  
  
Dart: " In the freezer."  
  
Albert: " How long?"  
  
Lavitz: " I dunno, I can't tell, but they were stuck to the freezer."  
  
Albert: " They can't be edible."   
  
Lavitz: " Wanna see if they are shorty?"  
  
Albert: " HELL NO!"  
  
Lloyd: " They look like hockey pucks."  
  
[The quartet is quiet for a moment and then Lloyds eyes brighten like headlights, he has an idea, chaos can't be far behind.]  
  
Lloyd: [very excited] " Lavitz, you have a pool right?"  
  
Lavitz: " Yeah, but it's frozen, it is winter you idiot."  
  
Lloyd: [still excited] " That's perfect, we can play hockey!"  
  
Dart: " Hockey?"  
  
Lloyd: [jumping up and down] " YES I have a hockey stick and Albert has some golf clubs, we can play 2-on-2!"(picture Albert playing golf)  
  
Albert: " Lloyd is you..."  
  
Dart: [interrupts Lloyd] " Lloyd you little shit, you're a genius!"  
  
albert: " ARE YOU INSANE!"  
  
Dart: [smiling weirdly] " Very possibly so."  
  
Albert: " You are."  
  
Lavitz: " Lloyds got a good idea, I can't play hockey for shit, but who gives a damn, it'll be fun!"  
  
Lloyd: " Thank you , someone agrees with me!"  
  
Dart: " right, it'll be fun, I'm in!"  
  
Albert: [shaking his head] " Oh God help me, I'm in."  
  
Lavitz,Lloyd,and Dart: " YES!"  
  
[Lloyd goes home to get his hockey stick and Albert leaves to get the golf clubs. Dart stays and helps Lavitz get the other 2 packages of bagels out of the freezer. Lloyd and Albert arrive again and they 4 go outside to Lavitzs pool and set down the bagel or 'puck'.]  
  
Lavitz: " OK, does anyone actually know how to play hockey?"  
  
lloyd: " I do!"  
  
Dart: " Elaborate please."  
  
Lloyd: " What?"  
  
Dart: " Tell us how to play dumbass!"  
  
Lloyd: " Oh right."  
  
[Lloyd explains the rules of a hockey game to them. Then comes the time to pick a goalie.]  
  
Albert: " I'll be goalie."  
  
Lloyd: " Okay."  
  
Lavitz: " I vote you Dart."  
  
Dart: " Why me?"  
  
Lavitz: " Um.... cause, you'd be better than me at it."  
  
Dart: " NO!"  
  
Lloyd: " The only way to solve any squabble, flip a coin!"  
  
Lavitz: " I call `Heads'!"  
  
[Lloyd pulls a quarter out if his pocket and flips it in the air, he catches it and flips it onto the top of his hand.]  
  
Lloyd: " Heads."  
  
Dart: " Damn."  
  
[Dart and Albert take their places in what was designated as the goal on either side of the pool and Huma and Lavitz face off in the middle of the pool. Lloyd with a hockey stick and Lavitz with a golf club and the rock solid bagel in front of them. They begin the game. They look extremely stupid, sliding around on the icy pool, falling on their asses every 5 seconds. Lloyd slips and slides across the pool feet first into Albert. They both fall and burst out laughing. Lavitz and Dart decide to join the two and take a running start and slide across the pool as well. Meanwhile the bagel goes flying and flies across the fence next door to Lavitz. The 4 hear a breaking of glass and stop laughing. They hear yelling and flee into Lavitzs house.]  
  
Lloyd: [panting] " Holy shit, what happened?"  
  
Lavitz: [breathing heavily] " I think the bagel broke a window next door."  
  
Albert: " I knew that was a bad idea."  
  
Lavitz, Dart.Lloyd: " SHUT UP!"  



	2. Arrested

Rose,Dart,Lloyd,Lavitz,Albert,Miranda,Shana,Kongol,Haschel,Zeig, and Meru all sat in a crampt hotel room. they had a month of vacation time befor they headed back to the LOD world and they had no idea what to do.   
Meru bounced over to Dart, holding a entertainment guide book  
Meru: Lets go to sea world! They have this really cool like whale thingy animal there. I wanna go!  
  
Dart:.....  
  
Meru:PLEASE!!!! *Strangles Dart*  
  
Dart: okay okay!!! We'll go to Sea World!  
  
Every one piles into rented car, that just happend to be a PT Cruiser  
  
Rose: why did Dart have to get this crappy little car?  
  
Kongol: cause hes cheap  
  
Meru: we should have gotten the convertable.  
  
Lloyd: I wanted the Fire Bird.  
  
Zeig: *Kicks the car* you should have gotten the freakin mustang  
  
Albert:More like a Semi. How the heck is Kongol gunna fit in there?  
  
Lavitz: does Dart even know how to drive?  
  
Dart: sure I do , youhit the gass pedle and stear with this round thing.  
  
Albert: were gunna die  
  
They all manage to cram into the car, And Dart takes off, blasting onto the high way.  
Every one watches as the little PT Cruiser crammed full of people speeds down the highway about 105 mph.  
  
Rose: Holy ****!!!! Watch out for the car!!!!  
  
Dart swerves and barly misses the car, then hits a speed bumb sending the car flying into the air then crashes back down ont he highway  
  
Lavitz:yeeehaw!!!  
  
Kongol:*Crying like a baby* I want my mommy!  
  
Zeig: SLOW THE FREAKIN CAR DOWN!!  
  
Dart: I dunno how!!!  
  
Dart pushes one of the buttons trying to make the car stop, and the radio comes on full blast  
  
Meru:*Screams at the top of her lungs* NOW THIS IS FUN!!!!  
  
Mirana:SHARP TURN!!!!  
  
Dart: what?  
  
Albert:LOOK AT THE ROAD YOU IDIOT!!!!  
  
Dart looks up just in time to make the sharp turn , accadently doing a donut and the car finally stops out on the middle of the highway.  
  
Shana:Dart!!!!  
  
Dart hits the gas pedle and speeds across the road onto the opposite side of the high way.  
  
Dart:All these people are going the wrong way  
  
Albert: no YOUR going the wrong way!!!!!!!  
  
Dart: oops  
  
Lavitz grabs the stirring wheel , swiving the car back and forth  
Lavitz: MORE SPEED!!!  
  
Miranda: Are you Crazy!!!!!  
  
Albert: hey um Dart.... theres a few cars behind us with flashing red and blue lights and sirens, mayba we should stop.  
  
Dart: Hell no!!! they wanna race me!!!!  
  
Rose: NO THEY DONT!!!!! STOP THE FREAKIN CAR!!!!!  
  
Dart does the opposite and hits the gas pedle, going about 130 mph now. Still going down the wrong side of the highway.  
  
Shana: Dart I'm gunna kill you if you dont stop this car!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz stick his head out the window:DOWN WITH THE GOVORMENT!!!!!!!  
  
Lloyd sticks his head out the window also:HIPPIES RULE!!!!  
  
Dart makes another sharp turn almost throughing Lavitz and Lloyd out the window .  
  
Finally the engin blows and the police catch up to them.  
  
Cop:your going to jail  
  
  
about an hour later, everyone is sitting in the jail cell.  
  
Rose: this is all Darts fault, stupid "They wanna race me" how dumb can you get  
  
Dart: they chouldnt have challenged me, i would have won if the stupid car hadnt broke  
  
Albert: THEY WERNT CHALLENGING YOU  
  
Cop: be quiet in there  
  
Lavitz: so when do we get out.  
  
the cop all of a sudden starts blushing  
cop:well i uh...  
  
Lloyd: hey man i think that cop likes you  
  
Dart: the cop is a guy  
  
Lloyd: so?  
  
Dart:Lavitz is a guy  
  
Lavitz:dude!  
  
Dart grabs Lavitz by the shirt collor  
Dart:talk to the cop and get us outa here!!  
  
Lavitz: no way!  
  
Albert: do it or I'll have your head!  
  
Lavitz: alright alright!  
  
Lavitz walks over to the bars  
Lavitz: so uh.....your kinda cute  
  
Cop:..ya ya think? well i uh go tot he gym alot...you know.  
  
Lavitz:uh yeah ..what ever you say  
  
Cop blushes again  
  
Every one in snickering in the background.  
  
Lavitz: so uh....how about you let us outa her , and uh.....*cough* you and me go on a date* cough*  
  
Every one in the back ground burst out laughing  
  
Cop:wel uh...gee whats your phone number.  
  
Lavitz:uhhhhhhhhhh...555-666-7777  
  
Cop unlocks the door to their cell.  
  
Cop: My shift is over at 8 oclock, you can pick me up then  
  
Lavitz:uhh.....  
  
Dart: he will be here  
  
Every one runs out of the police station and highjack a polic car.  
  
Miranda: since when did Haschel know how to hot wire a car?  
  
Haschel: I saw it on a tv show  
  
Lavitz: dude i cant beleive yall made me do that!!!!  
  
Dart: hey it got us out of prison didnt it  
  
Lavitz: and it ruined my rep  
  
Lloyd: YOU DONT HAVE A REP, I KILLED YOU IN DISC ONE!!!!! or was it two?  
  
Lavits: ah shut it, byt he way, GIMME BACK MY DRAGOON SPIRIT ALBERT!!!!  
  
Albert: hell no!  
  
Lavitz:GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!  
  
Albert:NEVER!!!!!  
  
Lavitz pounces albert and snatches his dragoon spirit and runs like heck.  
  
Dart: I wonder where hes going...  
  
Lloyd: probably to get ready for his date with that fat cop  
  
Shana: those two would make a good couple  
  
Albert: my dragon spirit!  
  
Every one waits for Lavitz to come back then pile into the polic car. And they take off once again  
  
___________________________________________  
Authors note: BRING ON THE FLAMES!!!!!!  
  



	3. Bar Room Hang Over

Lavitz wake up groggily, two Dart shaking him lightly. He looked around and saw all his friends passedout on the floor. He couldnt remember a thing that happend.  
  
Lavitz: dude what happend?  
  
Dart: well uh....we got drunk...did some literatly stupid stuff then passed out  
  
Lavitz:dude.... im havin a major hang over. What exactly did we do?  
  
Dart: well uh.... it started with Albert and Meru doing the macereana on the pool table... then Shana Miranda and Rose tryed singing a Garth Brooks song....... then you stripped  
  
Lavitz:WHAT!!!!??????  
  
Dart:shhhhh!  
  
Lavitz: and what exactly did you do?  
  
Dart:uh......I talked to a hooker?  
  
Lavitz:COME ONE WHAT'J YA DO!?  
  
Dart:sh!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz: tell me!  
  
Dart: I flirted with Lloyd  
  
Lavitz:what!!!!!????  
  
Dart: hey at least it wasnt as bad as Haschel making out with britney spears!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz:BRITNEY SPEARS!??!?!?! WHERE!!!!!  
  
Dart:shut up!!!!!!!!  
  
With both of their screaming, the others wake up, also having a major hang over.  
  
Rose: oooomy head hurt *collaps in Dart lap*  
  
Dart:uhhhhhhh *Pushes her on the floor*  
  
Zeig: who said britney spears  
  
Haschel:....uh......nothing!!!!  
  
Meru: you knwo Albert, your cute when you do the macereana *Huggles Albert*  
  
Albert:huh!?!?!?!?!  
  
Dart and Lavitz burst out laughing  
  
Authors not:Short stupid and dumb, bring on the flames 


	4. Deaths Side Affects

Dart Lloyd and Lavitz are sitting infrontof the Tv flipping channels, when Dart comes upon a Tv show called pokemon.and they start watching it for a few minutes.  
  
Lavitz: i dun get it  
  
Dart: neither do i   
  
Lavitz: yeah how does a huge dragon like thing come out of a pea sized ball  
  
Dart: you know if people didnt know what you were talking about, they would think that was totally distgusting  
  
Lavitz:.....forget i said that  
  
Lloyd:so whats the point of it? You battle you win , you get a roudn shaped thing and leave  
  
Dart: its a rip off so people will watch it, so thatthe poepl who created it get alot of money for the dumb tv show  
  
Lavitz: huh?  
  
Dart: its a rip off  
  
Lloyd:the same thign keeps happening over and over. ya battle ya win ya lose.  
  
Lavitz: there is no point  
  
Dart: does it bother yall that we watching a 3 year old tv show?  
  
Lloyd: dude change the channel!  
  
They flip through channels only to find a whole bunch of news casts.  
  
Lavitz: SKITTLES!!!!!!  
  
Dart:....  
  
Lloyd: YEAH SKITTLE RULES!!!!!!  
  
Lloyd pulls out a huge human sized bag of skittles.  
  
Dart:....where did you get that?  
  
Lavitz bounces up and down on the bed, eating skittles when Albert walks in.  
  
Albert:uh..... whats he doing?  
  
Dart: eating skittles  
  
Albert:.....why?  
  
Dart: cause hes hungry?  
  
Lloyd is tossing skittles out the window   
Lloyd: SKITTLES!!!! TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz is throwing skittles into the air.  
  
Lavits: its raining , its pouring, skittles are pouring!  
  
Dart:.....  
  
Albert:......  
  
Lavitz stuffs a hand full of skittles in alberts mouth  
  
Lavits: DR PEPPER MAKES THE WORLD TASTE BETTER!!!!  
  
Lloyd starts singing britney spears version of the pepsi commercial and trys to do all the dance moves but fail utterly  
  
Albert:so uh......death really makes people act like this?  
  
dart: guess so, I'd hate to see what Rose and Zeig are doing  
  
Just then Rose and Zeig walks into the room, with huge afros and wearing hippie cloths.  
Zeig: POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!!!  
  
Rose:Peace!!!  
  
Dart:.....  
  
Albert:......  
  
Lavitz throws skittles at Zeig and Rose  
  
Lavitz:POWER TO THE SKITTLES!!!!!!!  
  
Freugel then walks in wearing a giant M n M costum  
  
Dart:.......I dun even wanna knwo why hes dressed like that.  
  
Lloyd: I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!! BOW DOWN BEFOR ME MY LITTLE LUNITICS!!!!   
  
Lavitz: *starts singing his own version of Slim Shady*  
Attention wil the real Lavitz Slambert please stand up!!!!  
I repeat Will the real Lavitz Slambert please stand up!!!!!!!  
I think were gunna have a problem here.  
Oh I'm Lavitz Slambert, yes im the real Slambert....  
  
Dart: god help us  
  
Albert: I suddenly dont want to die. I dun wanna act like this.  
  
Dart:......  
  
Authors note: flame meall ya want , i dun care  
  
  



	5. Pointless Chat

Dart is sitting around his house , listeing to shana bable on and on about somthing. He wasnt really listening to a word she said when he picked up the phone and dialed Lavitz's phone number. After about two rings, Lavitz picked up  
  
Dart:WAZZZUP!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz:WAZZZZZUP!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz's phone starts beeping  
  
Lavitz: hand on I got another call  
  
He switches over  
  
Lloyd: hey its lloyd  
  
Lavitz: hey Lloyd , WAZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz switches to three way phone line.  
  
Lloyd: WAZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dart: WAZZZUP!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz: WAZZZUP!!!!!  
  
Lloyd: hold on im getting a call  
  
Llloyd switches over and albert answers  
  
Albert: WAZZUP!!!!!!!!  
  
Lloyd:WAZZZZZZZZZUP!!!!!!!  
  
Lloyd switches to four way talking  
  
Albert:WAZZZUP!!!!!!!  
  
Dart:WAZZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lavitz: WAZZZUP!!!!!!!  
  
Lloyd:WAZZZZZUP!!!!!!!  
  
Lloyd: so whats going on?  
  
Albert: Hangin, Chillin, alittle bit of hillin  
  
Lloyd:huh?  
  
Albert: never mind  
  
Shana can be heardint hebck ground still babbling about somthing  
  
Lavitz: hey Dart man, how do you stand it over there with her mouth running all the time , and her complaining?  
  
Dart: I get the tranqualizer gun  
  
Albert: you tranqualize her?  
  
Dart: yah  
  
Albert: way to go man, finally a way to shut her up  
  
Lloyd: what about your wife Albert? doesnt she hate you running up her phone bill?  
  
Albert:oh shit!!!!! *Albert hangs up*  
  
Lavitz: so is any one gunna ask me what iv been doing?  
  
Dart: what have you been doing?  
  
Lavitz: I took over AOL now i'm richer then Bill Gates  
  
Lloyd: that cool. Can i Borrow 2 million dollars?  
  
Lavitz: what for?  
  
Lloyd: I dunno  
  
Lavitz: so shana really doesnt midn that your ignoring her by having apointless conversation withy our friends.  
  
Dart: if shes mad atme she usually hit me with somthing, so she must not be mad at me rightnow.  
  
All of a sudden theres a thud over the phone and Dart hangs up.  
  
Lloyd: he always speaks to soon  
  
Lavitz: so you wanna come over and play King of the Ring?  
  
Lloyd: be right there  
  
Authors note: yeah yeah ,you can flame me i dun mind. I know this story is pointless but i was bored  
  



End file.
